Jan

31

Stalking Awareness Month

Filed Under Random, Safety & Self-Defense | 5 Comments

January is Stalking Awareness Month, and a great website with tools, quizzes and resources is now available if this is something  you are dealing with.  I especially love their guidelines on how to create a Safety Plan.  Visit the website by clicking here – and help spread the word too!  http://stalkingawarenessmonth.org

Stalking is downright scary, and I know this on a very personal level.  It can make a person feel powerless, cause acute anxiety and feel totally out of control.  Please understand that each situation is different, and you need specific management of your individual case before deciding on any one course of action. Reach out for help, and don’t deal with this on your own. Here are 5 ideas to get you started…

#1:  Acknowledge the situation for what it is.  Might sound easy, but many people who are being stalked refuse to accept that the word STALK is appropriate. According to Safe Horizon, New York law defines stalking as a pattern of intentional, repeated, and unwanted behavior causing a person to fear for his/her own safety. A stalker can be anyone – a stranger, a relative or anywhere in between.

#2: Know the law. To find out the exact definition of stalking and possible ways to respond, know the laws in your state.  Visit the Stalking Resource Center at The National Center for Victims of Crime website by clicking here.

#3:  Read a book called “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. By far, this is the best book I’ve read about intuition, de-escalating potentially violent scenarios and understanding the motives of people who pursue others inappropriately.  Click here to buy it.

#4:  Call the Stalking Hotline. Someone from Safe Horizon is available to speak with you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call toll free: 866.689.HELP (4357). Check out their website by clicking here.

#5:  Take a self-defense class. Hopefully the steps above prevent you from having to physically save yourself. However, the skills you learn in a good self-defense class are much bigger than learning to do an eye jab.  Great classes will also teach you to recognize the signs of a violent person, how to use your intuition, ways to de-escalate bad situations and how to fight back if necessary.  I especially recommend classes by IMPACT and FAST Defense.

I hope this helps…stay safe!

Jan

27

Flaky friends

Filed Under Random | 2 Comments

Do you have a flaky friend who is constantly re-scheduling a coffee date? Or a pal that seems to avoid making plans in the first place? Do you start finding yourself feeling bitter towards these people, or even talking smack about them to others because this hurts your feelings? In many of these instances, the outcome is not desirable. Maybe the smack-talkin’ gets back to the “disser” (person doing the dissing), or the “dissee” (person getting dissed) ends the relationship abruptly and (seemingly) for no good reason.  Avoid writing off a friend that you truly care for, until you’ve tried setting a boundary first.  The outcome may surprise you.

I’m finding the phenomenon of “flaky friends” is becoming more and more common, as our lives get busier, technology overwhelms us, work gets more demanding and we try to dissect this whacked concept of work/life balance. (Which by the way, I’m convinced is a total farce). Something’s gotta give.  Especially for women, it can be hard to set clear boundaries about our expectations and desires in both personal and business relationships. I believe that many of us lack the basic skill of boundary setting, which leaves us feeling bitter and powerless.  And it’s not surprising so many of us lack this skill, because for most people, we’ve never been taught to use clear communication! In many cases, we’ve been encouraged to do just the opposite.

Here are some tips on how to use verbal boundaries. Ideally these boundaries are set in person or over the phone, but they can be written as well. Just be VERY careful about the written boundaries, because without the tone or inflection of voice, words can be misinterpreted quite easily.

  • #1: Have empathy. I believe most people want to do the right thing. Especially if this is a true friend, they don’t want to hurt you. Chances are they are totally overwhelmed, and they cancel on your because you’re the most likely person to forgive them.
  • #2: Feel flattered. In many cases, people cancel or postpone because they want to give you QUALITY and undivided attention. Unfortunately in these busy times, finding that kind of time is rare, which leads to an endless string of postponements.
  • #3: Be direct, yet compassionate. When it’s time to set a boundary, keep it short, sweet  and direct. Express your feelings and appreciation and move on. But also have compassion for their busy situation. This compassion will surely be reflected right back at you.
  • #4: Don’t guilt and use “I” statements. Using guilt to get anything is not only manipulative, there is no long term benefit for anyone. They may begrudgingly agree to your wants in the short term, but may also start to resent you. Using “I” statements instead of “You” accusations creates a non-threatening tone for the conversation.
  • #5: Make lighthearted suggestions, not demands. People are very receptive to ideas when they are presented as something to think about, or as a reasonable change of course.  Ultimatums don’t work among friends, because they are forced.  And just because you’re setting a boundary doesn’t mean you have to be all scary and intense.  Be able to laugh at your mutual inability to spend a little time together. Life can be ridiculous…and laughing at “life” takes away any feelings of blaming the other person. (Even if it’s blatantly their fault…you’re gonna need to let it go if the goal is to salvage the friendship.)

Example Conversation: Good friend keeps postponing that long overdue martini to catch up on life. Maybe you say…

“I know how busy you are. Frankly I don’t know how you have time to do it all! That said, every time we set a date and it gets cancelled at the last minute, it’s not a good use of everyone’s time. So I have an idea…let’s make a pact to be realistic with our time, and only schedule dates that we’re going to stick to, even if the house is burning down. Realistically, maybe that’s just once a year, but I’d rather our face time be less frequent if it means we both can really count on it.  You are a person I truly want to spend time with, and life is too short to miss out on laughs with good friends! How does that sound to you? <THEY AGREE, IT SOUNDS GOOD> Oh, that works for you? Great! Well let’s look at our calendars and figure out a time to make this godforsaken martini happen already!” *laugh*

Try this with someone in your life – I’d love to hear your comments on how it went.  Obviously there may be a million other reasons why someone might keep postponing on you, but this strategy usually works if the person is purely busy and disorganized.  If they are actively trying to avoid you for some reason, that’s a whole other blog post.  It also might be handled differently in a professional setting.  That topic is coming soon. Running a company of 20 people (nearly all of them female) I think I have some good insights to share!

Jan

26

9th Annual Fundraiser in memory of Shannon McNamara

Filed Under Girls Fight Back!, Random | 1 Comment

The 9th Annual Girls Fight Back for Shannon Mac Fundraiser is officially announced, and we are very excited for it. This year all funds raised will be donated to a non-profit organization we are currently setting up called the Girls Fight Back Foundation. The Foundation is being created and run by our outstanding team of GFB Speakers: Jaime, Megan, Michaela and Heather. The focus of this organization will be to create a network of GFB Clubs at schools and colleges across the USA (and someday go global), which will promote women’s safety and self-defense education for young women. Here are the deets on the event:

What: Fundraiser for the Girls Fight Back Foundation
Host: Kate Lotz & Erin Weed
Start Time: Saturday, March 20 at 8:00pm
End Time: Saturday, March 20 at midnight
Where: Slugger’s (across from Wrigley Field)
3540 North Clark Street
Chicago, IL 60657
Cost: $30 which includes all well drinks, domestic beer, wine and soda

If you’re unable to attend, donations can be made to “Girls Fight Back Foundation” and mailed to:
Girls Fight Back!
4800 Baseline Rd.
Suite E104 #286
Boulder, CO 80303

We are seeking volunteers to help plan, promote & fundraise! Please email info@girlsfightback.com for details.

Jan

14

I’m Back…

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André Gide once said: “One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.”  I’ve been missing in action from my blog since the holidays, and I wish I could say it was because I was sipping margaritas somewhere in Tahiti.  It’s not been a vacation by any means – in fact, my awesome team has been working around the clock, on holidays and jumping off cliffs at every turn for the sake of expanding the efforts of Fight Back Productions and Girls Fight Back.

We’ve barely scratched the surface in bringing personal safety and self-defense education to the world, and we know that 2010 holds very good things.  It’s been a ton of work, and we’re not even close to finishing with our big plans…but it’s also been super inspiring to grow our team to 20 people and feel the new blood in our organizations.

I’ve been reflecting a lot about what my blog will focus on this year.  Most certainly, it will continue to discuss topics relating to women’s empowerment and violence prevention.  This year I also plan to take on topics relating to motherhood, and more posts about entrepreneurship.  Lately I’ve been approached by many people for advice on strategic planning, getting started as a speaker or using the web to create change.  I plan to post my ideas on these subjects as well.  In the coming weeks I’ll be making some big and exciting announcements on this blog…stay tuned for a very exciting year.