Erin Weed's Blog » Safety & Self-Defense

Stalking Awareness Month

Erin Weed — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 22:46:27 +0000

January is Stalking Awareness Month, and a great website with tools, quizzes and resources is now available if this is something you are dealing with. I especially love their guidelines on how to create a Safety Plan. Visit the website by clicking here – and help spread the word too! http://stalkingawarenessmonth.org

Stalking is downright scary, and I know this on a very personal level. It can make a person feel powerless, cause acute anxiety and feel totally out of control. Please understand that each situation is different, and you need specific management of your individual case before deciding on any one course of action. Reach out for help, and don’t deal with this on your own. Here are 5 ideas to get you started…

#1: Acknowledge the situation for what it is. Might sound easy, but many people who are being stalked refuse to accept that the word STALK is appropriate. According to Safe Horizon, New York law defines stalking as a pattern of intentional, repeated, and unwanted behavior causing a person to fear for his/her own safety. A stalker can be anyone – a stranger, a relative or anywhere in between.

#2: Know the law. To find out the exact definition of stalking and possible ways to respond, know the laws in your state. Visit the Stalking Resource Center at The National Center for Victims of Crime website by clicking here.

#3: Read a book called “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. By far, this is the best book I’ve read about intuition, de-escalating potentially violent scenarios and understanding the motives of people who pursue others inappropriately. Click here to buy it.

#4: Call the Stalking Hotline. Someone from Safe Horizon is available to speak with you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call toll free: 866.689.HELP (4357). Check out their website by clicking here.

#5: Take a self-defense class. Hopefully the steps above prevent you from having to physically save yourself. However, the skills you learn in a good self-defense class are much bigger than learning to do an eye jab. Great classes will also teach you to recognize the signs of a violent person, how to use your intuition, ways to de-escalate bad situations and how to fight back if necessary. I especially recommend classes by IMPACT and FAST Defense.

I hope this helps…stay safe!

Women’s Safety Manifesto – Part 1

Erin Weed — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 08:06:34 +0000

According to Wikipedia, a manifesto is a public declaration of principles and intentions. I intend to do just that, as well as make suggestions on how to fix our damaged state of women’s safety education in the United States today.

My name is Erin Weed, and I’m the founder of Girls Fight Back and CEO of Fight Back Productions. We are a personal safety education company that teaches ordinary people they are capable of extraordinary things in the face of violence. I plunged unexpectedly into the anti-violence movement in the aftermath of my life’s greatest tragedy, the murder of Shannon McNamara, in 2001. For the past 8 years, I’ve been researching, training, writing, speaking, fighting and educating myself and others to become our own best protectors. While that may sound noble, I’m actually writing this manifesto because I’d like to apologize. Because we, the personal safety and self-defense community, have failed you.

To every woman who ever walked down a city street and looked over her shoulder with fear, and had no action plan if someone was to emerge from the shadows…
To every teen girl who experienced unwanted or forced sex because she didn’t understand the word “NO” is her right (and also a complete sentence)…
To every man who has loved a survivor of violence, and awakens in the night to her crying softly, hoping he doesn’t hear…
To the woman I saw on Oprah today who was the recipient of our country’s first ever face transplant because her husband blew off her face with a shotgun…
To that woman’s daughter, who had to explain to Mom that falling back into the arms of the man who permanently disfigured and nearly killed her probably wasn’t such a good idea…
To the women who will never bother to read this because violent things don’t happen in your neighborhood…

To all of you, I’m sorry on behalf of the movement. We don’t offer enough personal safety education, at an early enough age. I’m sorry no one ever taught you how to set boundaries as a pre-teen. There are still child safety ‘experts’ preaching concepts like stranger danger, despite the fact the most likely person to molest a child is someone they know. There aren’t enough reputable self-defense classes available, and virtually no network by which you can find the good ones. Or sometimes you find a great class, but are forced to choose between paying your rent or learning to fight that month. (Rent usually wins.) I apologize we haven’t integrated life saving self-defense education in schools yet, despite useful classes like algebra (sarcasm) being mandatory to graduate. Most self-defense instructors don’t market safety training in a way you can stomach, because we’re so hung up on visual martial arts symbolism like dragons and tigers. (Both of which can eat people, by the way - scary.) I’m sorry you aren’t validated more often that your intuition is correct, without needing to prove it. I wish you were told just how powerful you really are when basic physical techniques merge with an adrenaline dump, instead of being told you’re doing the step-by-step of a pinning situation escape incorrectly.

In Spring 2009 I conducted an anonymous, online survey asking everyday women of all ages, races and geographic locations about their personal safety and self-defense education. It was their responses that spawned this manifesto, after months of their honest and sometimes haunting answers marinating in my brain. I feel it is time to make some declarations about the state of female safety education in this country, or lack thereof. Because of the 136 women who filled out my survey, 64 responded YES to the following question:

Have you ever experienced any sort of crime or assault?

Did you do the math? That’s nearly HALF the respondents who said yes, admitting they have endured a violent act in their lifetime. And given that 86% of the respondents are under age 40, this is not a long lifetime we’re talking about. HALF. Actually, let’s assume it’s more than half since experts say many survivors cannot (or will not) label certain painful life experiences as the crimes they are. It just hurts too much. HALF. I’m sorry, but I can’t get out of my head that every party I’ve ever walked into, half the women sipping martinis in their little black dresses know this pain. Half of the 500,000 people I’ve spoken to in my seminars over the past 8 years understood the violence I spoke of all too well. Sometimes I could see it in their eyes, but many hide their suffering expertly.

So let’s hypothesize, based on my un-scientific survey, that half our female population has endured violence in some form or another. After the blood is gone and the wounds are physically healed, does it still leave a mark in other ways? According to the World Health Organization (2002), victims of sexual assault are:

3 times more likely to suffer from depression.
6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.
13 times more likely to abuse alcohol.
26 times more likely to abuse drugs.
4 times more likely to contemplate suicide.

These shocking statistics beg the question: What greatness have we missed out on from these women? What precious gems of contribution to our society have we been deprived of, all stemming from violence? I suppose we will never know. What I do know is more must be done to eradicate this culture of violence and victimization. Because seriously…HALF? Something is very broken here.

I will admit, there are days when I wish I was the CEO of a company more simple in nature. There’s a great soap store in Boulder that I covet to own, because it seems like a pretty carefree operation to run. What’s a tough decision for that store manager? Lavender or Patchouli? But then I think of this quotation by Hillary Rodham Clinton:

“I’ve often thought that when something is hard for you, whether it’s going to law school or anything else that challenges you, that’s probably what you should do.”

Women’s Safety Manifesto, Part 2 – Coming soon…

Media Rant

Erin Weed — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 18:36:44 +0000

Let me start this post by saying I’m a former TV producer. Many of my close friends work in the media, and I see it as a necessary vehicle for having an informed public. But story headlines like this, when there is such a profound back-story, really honk me off: “Woman Jogger Attacked in Broad Daylight”

Click on the link above to read the whole story, and you’ll find facts that don’t quite match up to the scary headline. Let me summarize. A woman was jogging on a popular trail in Ogden, Utah and a man came out from the bushes. Here’s the exact account she gave to the dispatcher:

“I was running down this trail and he kind of stepped out. I’m not sure where he was and he said ‘Hi how are you doing?’ and then he tried to throw me down on the ground and I started screaming and kicking at him and then he got up and ran away, ran down the trail.”

The article proceeds to describe her attacker and recommend jogging in groups. The police hit the streets to inform women of the incident, scaring them to death and prompting females across Utah to start jogging with backpacks filled with self-defense tools like pepper spray and alarms. Then they interview a local self-defense expert who points out these terrified women are making a mistake, because the likelihood of them having time to properly use these weapons is not good if they have to reach into their backpack. He recommends women instead use a Sharpie-looking tool that’s actually a pointy weapon, or a small firearm. I don’t know about you, but I love a good workout accompanied by a few pounds of lethal metal in my pocket.

None of this sounds shocking to most people, because it’s the boilerplate violence against women article you read in the media every day. But can I just point out what REALLY happened here? She was attacked and fought back! Using her best three weapons (intuition, voice and body) she regulated this guy. And she won! Give this gal a freakin’ gold medal, or at least a well-deserved chocolate chip cookie.

Let me explain. First, the woman running trusted her intuition enough to sense this was a bad guy. It moved quickly, and this guy acted fast by throwing her to the ground. And here’s the clincher – she then starts screaming (verbal self-defense) and kicking (physical self-defense). His response to her dual resistance measures – He gets up and runs away! Holy shit, this woman was victorious! Yet the headline in the paper reads, “Woman Jogger Attacked in Broad Daylight.”

How incredibly sad. Why, why, why are we not celebrating this? I have a better headline: “Woman Jogger Kicks Local Rapist Ass.” Or, “Moron Rapist Runs Away After Local Woman Unleashes an Estrogen Whooping.” In my version of the story, the reporter shares details of her victorious encounter, and the woman speaks of the importance of sticking up for yourself and that all women should have the right to go for a jog by themselves. Below a big, smiling picture of our heroine the article concludes with event details of the upcoming town parade in her honor.

Which version of the story keeps women down, and which version inspires them? Which version keeps women afraid to sleep alone or travel the world or doing great things in life? And which version makes our young girls find new role models or sign up for a local self-defense course?

Mysterious ass-kicking woman in Utah, today I celebrate you. And I applaud anyone with stories like hers that are too successful, and therefore too unsensational, to be given the credit they deserve.

Columbine

Erin Weed — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 16:51:40 +0000

Last week my friend Ross Szabo sent me an email with excerpts from a USA Today story about the “real facts” behind the Columbine shootings. Ross is the Director of Youth Outreach for the National Mental Health Awareness Campaign, and he’s constantly battling the stigmas of people living with mental health issues. His paths and mine cross often, as many cases that involve violence are often blamed on some degree of mental illness. Sometimes it’s true, but sometimes it’s more because people can’t believe that normal, sane individuals are capable of violence. Same goes for an Oprah show I saw last week about Internet child predators. A young woman named Alicia was lured at the age of 13 by a child predator, and held her captive for days – torturing her. She described her captor as a “monster.” I remember classifying the man who killed Shannon McNamara the same way in the early days. But Oprah quickly pointed out that when we label these people as something other than human, we stop seeking to understand them, and how to avoid their violent tactics. I couldn’t agree more.

In case you’re curious, here are some bullet points of “truths” about Columbine, many of which are contradictory to what you may have heard in the news. It’s only when we understand the facts that we can truly learn. Read the entire article here.

*Neither were not goths or loners.
*They were not on antidepressants.
*They did not target jocks, African Americans or Christians.
*Further proving this point, Eric Harris’s shirt 10 years ago today read “Natural Selection”
*The girl who was shot after saying she believed in God? It’s not true.
*The attack was intended to be a bombing, and to shoot people as they fled. (Obviously, the bombs didn’t work.)
*They had a list of “people to kill” but most had graduated. In actuality, they wanted to kill everyone – even friends.

On the Today Show this morning there were numerous people featured who started speaking, educating or getting active to remember those who were killed. While it’s good to try and understand violence in hopes of preventing future nightmares, it’s also crucial to support those left behind. When Shannon was murdered, I overheard her mom say, “It’s my greatest fear that now Shannon will be forgotten.” I’m sure the same applies to the families of Columbine victims. So take today and remember – and try to learn for a better and safer tomorrow.

Ellen Snortland

Erin Weed — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 17:14:54 +0000

A few days ago I was chatting with my friend Ellen Snortland on the phone. Ellen is a speaker, author, actress, on the Board for Impact Safety in California and one of the first women to write a book about women’s self-defense. She and I were discussing many things, but one thing that struck me was a story she shared about women suffragists. Ellen is quite the women’s history buff, and she told me that public speaking was one of the most effective tools the suffragists used to lobby for a woman’s right to vote. Specifically these speakers went on speaking tours, focusing on less populated cities in the Midwest to spread the message of their campaign. I’ve always found public speaking to be very effective in communicating with women across the U.S. and it reaffirmed my belief that more of us need to get out there, grab a mic and share our stories and knowledge with one another. After researching this, I found that Susan B. Anthony specifically was an incredible speaker and was the movement’s unofficial spokeswoman.

But back to Ellen – Since I became involved in women’s self-defense back in 2001 I’ve had a few permanent books on my desk. As Girls Fight Back evolves, I turn to these old faithfuls to ground me in what ideals this company was built upon. The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is always a great reminder that each of us can (and should) trust our intuition when it comes to safety, relationships, life and business. The other book I always seem to turn to is Ellen’s book, Beauty Bites Beast. She recently returned from Brazil, where her book was just released in Portuguese! (See the YouTube video above, which is a film project based on Ellen’s book.)

People like Ellen, Eve Ensler and Lee Sinclair are so inspiring to me, because they are the leading the charge to make women’s safety education and self-defense a global issue. Yes, we have overwhelming problems with violence right here in our own back yards. But in countries where goats are more valuable than women, you can only imagine how much work we have ahead of us globally. Cheers for girl power everywhere!

NYC rape victim sues MTA

Erin Weed — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 00:06:02 +0000

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

This morning I saw the story above on the Today Show, featuring a young rape survivor named Maria recounting her horrific story of being raped by a stranger in a New York City subway in 2005. She tells a harrowing narrative of finding herself alone on a subway train at 2am and her intuition sending her serious dangers signals. After missing her stop, she gets off at the next one and the man follows her. She breaks into a run up the steps towards the exit, and he pulls her backwards down the stairwell. He rapes her at the bottom of the stairs.

But she wasn’t alone in the Subway station that night. As she ran up the steps to escape, there was an MTA attendant on duty and he locked eyes with her. He saw what was happening and called the authorities. He did not leave his booth and did not intervene beyond calling the emergency hotline for the MTA. Should he have done more?

Maria sued the MTA, claiming she blames the employee more than her rapist. She says the perpetrator had mental problems with no sense of reality and had no conscience, but the MTA worker did. She states she wasn’t expecting a physical intervention, but at least to yell over the intercom or do something more than hitting an emergency button. Is that too unreasonable to ask? In general, this begs the question, who was responsible for Maria’s safety that night?

Herein lies the great debate within the violence prevention community. Some say we should only be educating violent people to stop committing crimes – “We shouldn’t have to deal with violence or learn to protect ourselves in the first place – men should simply not attack women!” they say. Some are victim blamers – “What right did she have to be on a Subway at 2am by herself? And why didn’t she fight back?”, they marvel. Some agree with Maria and blame the bystander – “Why the hell didn’t he do more?”

I think this is the problem with violence prevention in America – there are so many different stances that oversimplify the issue. Men or women or good guys or bad guys alone will not end violence. It’s got to be a community effort. We must be responsible for ourselves, and be willing to take action on behalf of another – regardless if they are friend, foe or total stranger. Our education needs to reflect this, the younger the better in my opinion.

What do you think? Who is to blame, and should Maria win the lawsuit when she appeals?

Survey about women’s self-defense

Erin Weed — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 19:30:31 +0000

I’ve been having conversations lately with people from all walks of life about what women really want in self-defense training. Do they truly want to learn how to protect themselves? In what class format? How much money are they willing to spend? What are their fears in taking a class?

The problem with being so engrossed in this issue of violence against women is that I have lost perspective on what everyday women really want. I’m hoping you can fill out this anonymous, 15-question survey to tell me what you’re looking for in personal safety education…if you’re even seeking it at all. Please be brutally honest, as I am working with a team of people to provide learning options for women based on this data. I’d greatly appreciate you forwarding this link to women in your life as well. (You can only take the survey once from any given computer. Please send others the exact link below.)

Click below to take the survey – Thank You!

http://tinyurl.com/celpke

Kickboxing Like A Girl

Erin Weed — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 21:03:13 +0000

Today’s article by Paula Span in the Washington Post hit on a big issue for the feminist and women’s safety/self-defense community. (Click here to read it) The writer talks about attending a kickboxing class taught by a woman who uses ‘girly’ language and visualizations when teaching punches and groin strikes. Instead of explaining a right hook to nail someone square in the jaw, she has the class re-enact “clearing off their dresser.” Instead of kneeing a rapist to the groin, she has the class act as if they are “doing yard work and breaking sticks over their knees…so hard that the neighbors look at them funny.” Paula explains most of the class is middle age, none of them too interested in causing pain, disability or death in anyone…possibly not even to someone threatening their personal safety. So this method of teaching kickboxing works for her classmates. They are learning the moves, but not threatening their fragile feminine psyche. Let me also note: Kickboxing is not self-defense, and should not be confused with training that prepares you to fight back in a truly violent confrontation.

In the women’s self-defense community, we walk a very fine line. Convey the fighting material too lightly, and people don’t take it seriously. You also run the risk of a woman not being emotionally or mentally prepared for a real attack, and then freezes under the adrenal stress in a real situation. Furthermore, as women, can’t we handle a little tough talk? Feminists from the 1970s must be throwing a fit over this article, to insinuate women need such a soft touch in learning life skills. But if you teach too hard-core, you run the risk of turning the women off…and possibly never learning about self-defense again out of fear of taking a class. I’ve seen this many times at countless self-defense courses around the nation. A bad-ass instructor doesn’t mince words, and you can actually see the faces of the women in the audience gloss over and they shut down.

Most instructors in the world will tell you it’s very difficult to make a living teaching personal safety and self-defense. Unless you twist in fitness or black belt achievement, most women simply aren’t interested. How do we make women realize how much they need this training, how important it is to understand intuition and fear, even if it makes you uncomfortable? And after we help women understand this, how do we ensure they act upon it and take a class? That’s the hardest part…the action and then the follow-through. When I owned a self-defense studio in New Jersey, we’d have full classes signed up weeks in advance of the class start date, only for half to cancel the day before the first night of the course. Yeah, life gets crazy. But self-defense seems to always fall to the bottom of our to-do lists for so many personal and emotional reasons too.

There isn’t an easy answer for getting this training to women, but I think the women’s self-defense community has to come together, each of us offering our niche speciaities. For example, at Girls Fight Back we have found a niche of providing one-time, 90 minute, live seminars at high schools and colleges using humor and empowerment. While our seminar is intended to be introductory, our message throughout is to sign up for a class in their geographic area. For free, we supply a vast list of women’s self-defense classes around the nation where our audiences can sign up. Is this system perfect? No. Do I wish we could teach each of the 100,000 women I speak in front of each year true down ‘n dirty instruction that could save their life? You bet. But our niche is connecting with young women, making safety and self-defense appear unthreatening and “cool” within their social norms…then providing them with resources to take the next step. It’s just one tiny piece of the big puzzle. What’s you’re niche? And how can we work together to solve this social issue?

As we develop our vision for 2009, keep this mantra in mind: “Know what you are, know what you’re not.” Regardless of what industry you are in, you can never be all things to all people. What makes you different or special? What do you enjoy? What audiences seem to really connect with you? Who do you connect with? Concentrate on them…they are your niche. Once you find them, start partnering with people in other niches, and that’s when real change starts to happen.

Holiday shopping safety tips

Erin Weed — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 15:59:03 +0000

This morning I was supposed to be a guest on DC/Maryland’s morning talk show for WMZQ-FM…a country station. After getting up at 6 am to be ready for the interview (and not sound like a toad) they blew me off. Alas, this little stunt has furthered my disdain for country music. (I take sleep quite seriously.) We were supposed to discuss holiday shopping safety tips (which I find to be a very timely and important subject), so I will share them here…

The first thing we must take into consideration when it comes to personal security while shopping is the fact it creates opportunity for bad guys. Large crowds of stressed out people who are multi-tasking and on deadline = not aware. The situation overall, compounded by our stress can be a ideal scenario for crime. That being said, living consciously is a choice. We can choose to get caught up in the holiday mayhem or choose to stop, breathe and focus on the moment. And when we are present, we are usually safer. So with that understanding, here are my holiday shopping safety tips:

1. Acknowledge violence can happen. Knowing it’s a real threat will motivate you to develop real protocol to combat it.

2. Trust your intuition. It won’t let you down, especially when approached by people you don’t know in situations like parking lots. Need a refresher on the topic? Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Even better, buy this book for someone you love.

3. Be a “bad victim” by making yourself seem like an unattractive target for holiday crime. Examples:

-Try to shop in pairs or groups, but know it’s your right to also shop alone – have a safety plan!
-Avoid tucked away restrooms at malls, or any remote place for that matter
-Being bogged down by 10 shopping bags will hamper your ability to defend yourself – lighten your load
-Don’t feel silly about asking mall security to walk you to your car
-But just because someone is wearing a uniform doesn’t mean they are harmless. Trust your intuition.
-In parking lots, have your keys out, walk with intention and be ready to fight with keys if necessary
-Keep your children close, and practice what to do if you get separated (arrange a meeting spot)
-Be careful about giving your credit card information to non-secure online shopping sites

Finally, there’s just no substitute for being your own best protector…learn to fight back! You can join the Girls Fight Back website for FREE and find a women’s self-defense class near you. Many schools also sell gift certificates. Consider buying one for a woman you love as a holiday gift.

Be merry and safe this holiday season!

Just Yell Fire

Erin Weed — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:21:44 +0000

Imagine this scenario for a moment. You’re walking down the street around 4pm. It’s chilly outside, and you’re hustling to your car parked a few blocks away. All of a sudden, you hear a woman screaming, “Fire!” What do you do?

I’ve been asking people for years how they would respond in this situation, and most people start asking me more questions. “How is it being yelled?” “Is it possibly a trick or a trap?” “Where is the person?” “Is there smoke or flames?” But the bigger question lying beneath all of this is, “What the heck am I supposed to do with that information?”

The reality is that yelling fire when someone is attacking you only creates a situation that is totally open to interpretation. It also prevents people from getting involved. In this age of liability and lawsuits, most people find it’s easier to turn up their ipod and keep walking. Especially so, when the situation seems sketchy or unclear. Meanwhile, all this time you’re processing what “Fire” could possibly mean, whoever has yelled it is waiting. And waiting. And waiting. While they wait, you can be sure whoever is attacking them is not just hanging out and smoking a cigar. The situation is going from bad to worse, while the victim clings to hope that someone might hear their false claim and rescue them. I hate to be Debbie Downer here, but fat chance. Hoping others will save us after providing deceitful information is dangerous. We need to learn how to save ourselves, and give those who can come to our aid some more credible information.

Here’s another question for you, from a different perspective. Again, you’re walking down the street. It’s still brisk but not cold. All of a sudden, someone grabs your arm and starts leading you away in a violent manner. You know in this moment what is happening. His violent intentions are clear, but what is the potential outcome? Rape? Robbery? Assault? Murder? And in response, what do you yell? Fire? I doubt it. Hardly makes sense given the context of your frightening situation. Not to mention, your adrenaline is not thinking about fire or anything hot. It’s thinking about survival. I have met thousands of survivors of violence, and not one of them said they yelled “fire” during their attack.

In my 7 years training in self-defense and speaking to over 500 audiences about the issue, this is the biggest myth out there. People really believe they should yell fire if attacked. It gives me chills, all these people banking on hope that someone else will save them using misleading intel, with no backup plan. Those of us in the personal security industry have a lot of educating to do.

So this begs the question, what SHOULD you yell? Is it really a mystery? Usually after I explain that yelling fire just doesn’t make sense for anyone involved, people want another quote to scream. After their hopes for “fire” are dashed, they seek to fill their well once more with another magic word. Here’s a crazy idea…how about yelling what you NEED. Give people specific directions. Imagine you’re walking down the street to your car a few blocks away. This time, you hear someone scream, “Call 911!” What do you do? I think most people will open their cell phones and call 911. It’s low commitment. It’s totally anonymous. They don’t have to get involved. And within 2-5 minutes, real help will be on the way. Why is it such a foreign idea to holler the truth when we need it?

One final thought on this issue. Anytime someone gives you safety or self-defense advice and puts the word “just” in front of it, be wary. Someone’s holding a gun to your head? Just run! Someone is trying to rape you? Just buck them off with your hips! Someone wants your wallet? Just give it to them! Using the word “just” implies that doing one small thing in a very dangerous scenario will save you, and everything will be fine. Furthermore it implies that no action will be required as a follow-up. Trained experts and survivors of violence will tell you this is not the case. Escaping from any violent situation doesn’t require one action, it’s a series of choices involving intuition, common sense and possibly self defense measures. And sometimes, these things might not work. In those cases, is a person “just raped” or “just murdered?”